BROKENNESS

When you are dealing with brokenness it can sometimes leave you feeling isolated, hurt, rejected, alone, depressed, suicidal, bitter, and angry, Unfortunately brokenness does not just go away you have to deal with it head on face it and work your way through it like I did to overcome it. I had to deal with all of the open wounds of my life, and the wounds that never healed.

This was not an easy transition for me at all. The first thing that I had to do was own it like really own it, and let me tell you that was so hard to do. I had to own it, work through it and let it go.

After I owned it and admitted that I was a severely damaged woman I had to do the work within. When I say within that means Literally within I had to revisit all of the open wounds, hurt, rejection, heartache, bitterness, anger, and believe me that was not easy nor did I enjoy it. Quite A few things happened to me throughout life and I never dealt with any of it. I always just worked my way through, if I was hurt, stressed angry I just always kept it moving, and that right there was my problem. It always seemed like before I could get over one thing something else would happen, so I started to feel sad not really knowing that extreme sadness can lead to depression, I think you know were I am going with this. Yes exactly before I even knew it I was depressed not just normal depression I was clinically depressed and I had no clue. I always thought that I was just tired because I had a long work week and was a single Mom and I could never take care of myself, because I had to keep going even when I was sick or tired I had to keep moving forward always taking care of everybody else except myself. I never even thought that I was depressed I only remembered experiencing depression after I had my first son I suffered from post par tum depression I think mainly because of my horrible labor and recovery my body shifted into something I had never experienced before dealing with that and trying to take care of a newborn was challenging and overwhelming. I again experienced with my last child which is my daughter It took me longer than normal to recover because they did an epidural and the anesthesiologist punctured my spine by accident which led to spinal headaches and I literally wanted to die the pain was unbearable. I was so helpless I could barley walk and I couldn't take care of my daughter her dad and my mother did everything and I was so grateful for the love and support. Even after both incidents even though they were years apart I never dealt with either one of them. I slowly recovered started feeling better and went back to work.

I have had more than my fair share of abusive, disrespectful toxic relationships from physical, mental. emotional, and verbal abuse. Being rejected by your loved ones and family was a very hard pill to swallow and that wound was definitely one of the hardest wounds to heal from and to be honest there are times when I might have a moment where I think about it and that's all it is just a thought no anger, regret, bitterness and believe it or not I am so grateful now for some of the wounds, because they made me who I am today flaws and all. When I was going through the pain it was not easy or enjoyable. I had many sleepless nights and even more lonely scared days that turned into weeks, months then years.

Around 2017 I finally realized that I had a severe problem still not really knowing what it was, but I knew I had a problem and I knew I needed help. Even though I was a devout Christian I felt deep within that I needed more even though my relationship with God was strong I still needed to go within myself and dig up all the hurt, pain, bitterness anger, brokenness, depression suicidal thoughts and that is just what I did. I got intentional about my recovery and I didn't care how long it took because I wanted to be healed, but not just healed I wanted to be healed within so that meant digging up the root and going back to those dark places and bringing them to remembrance and talking about them and finally Letting Go and this was a very hard process. One of the first things that I did was admit that I needed help from someone that was licensed, trained and skilled to assist me with this process so I made an appointment with my primary care doctor and that is when I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression. I honestly thought that she was going to just write me a prescription for some depression or anxiety medicine, but instead she referred me to a therapist and that was the best thing that she could have ever done for me. I went to my therapist for about 12 weeks or so and slowly my life started to change. I started reading more I would get out of the house I started exercising I was more involved with life events and self care. I developed a strategic prayer life my mindset did a total 360 times 10. It wasn't long before everything that was within me that had such a stronghold on my mind was released, and removed permanently.

I owned it, worked through it, and I Let it Go and I am so happy that I did. Finally all of the bottled up hurt that had me tangled up for many years had been lifted. Going to therapy being a better Christian developing a strategic prayer life and even a closer relationship with God was just the help that I needed I started reading my bible more and journaling my thoughts . With God, therapy and the Bible I Let it all Go and so can you. Make up your mind start the process and do the work Yes it is going to very hard, hurtful, difficult , and painful but who cares because your life depends on it do the work and Let it Go,