Matters of the heart

Overcoming Matters of the Heart

Copyright 2020

Tamara Clemons

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Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible,

English Standard Version. (ESV)

Publisher: Tamara Clemons

Introduction

Rejection makes you feel invisible, alone, and forgotten and it deeply saddens your heart. There are millions of people that suffer daily in silence from issues and matters of the heart that are never talked about. That person was me for many years. I have decided to share my story and my truth with the intention that it would be a blessing for someone to either start their recovery process or at least admit that they might need to seek counseling from whomever they chose. I pray that my eBook encourages and bless you. My life journey has truly blessed me and also prepared me to walk in my destiny. Many hugs and blessing to you all. I Love you all and thank you.

When you are dealing with rejection and low-self-esteem issues it can sometime leave you feeling isolated, hurt, rejected, alone, depressed, suicidal, bitter, and angry. Unfortunately, these problems do not just go away you have to deal with-it head-on face to face and work your way through it like I did to overcome it.

I had to deal with all of the open wounds of my life, and the wounds that never healed.

This was not an easy transition for me at all. The first thing that I had to do was own it like really own it, and let me tell you that was so hard to do. I had to own it, work through it and let it go.

After I owned it and admitted that I was a severely damaged woman I had to do the work within. When I say within that means Literally within, I had to revisit all of the open wounds, hurt, abuse, heartache, bitterness, anger, and believe me that was not easy nor did I enjoy it.

Quite A few things happened to me throughout my life and I never dealt with any of it. I always just worked my way through it, if I was hurt, stressed, or angry I kept it moving, and that right there was my problem.

It always seemed like before I could get over one thing something else would happen, so I started to feel sad not really knowing that extreme sadness can lead to depression, I think you know where I am going with this. Yes, exactly before I even knew it, I was depressed not just normal depression I was clinically depressed and I had no clue. I always thought that I was just tired because I had a long work week and was a single Mom and I could never take care of myself, because I had to keep going even when I was sick or tired I had to keep moving forward always taking care of everybody else except myself. I never even thought that I was depressed. I only remembered experiencing depression after I had my first son. I suffered from postpartum depression I think mainly because of my horrible labor and recovery my body shifted into something I had never experienced before giving birth. I was trying to take care of a newborn and it was challenging and overwhelming. I again experienced postpartum depression with my last child which is my daughter and It took me longer than normal to recover because they did an epidural and the anesthesiologist punctured my spine by accident which led to spinal headaches and I literally wanted to die the pain was unbearable. I was so helpless I could barely walk and I couldn't take care of my daughter her dad and my mother did everything and I was so grateful for the love and support. Even after both incidents even though they were years apart I never dealt with either one of them. I slowly recovered started feeling better and went back to work.

I have had more than my fair share of abusive, disrespectful toxic relationships from physical, mental. emotional, and verbal abuse. Being rejected by your loved ones and family was a very hard pill to swallow and that wound was definitely one of the hardest wounds to heal from. Honestly there are times when I might have a moment where I think about it and that's all it is just a thought no anger, regret, bitterness and believe it or not I am so grateful now for some of the wounds, because they made me who I am today flaws and all.

When I was going through the pain it was not easy or enjoyable. I had many sleepless nights and even more lonely scared days that turned into weeks, months then years.

Around 2017 I finally realized that I had a severe problem not really knowing what it was, but I knew I had a problem and I knew I needed help. Even though I was a devout Christian I felt deep within that I needed more, even though my relationship with God was strong I still needed to go within myself and dig up all the hurt, pain, bitterness, anger, brokenness, depression ,suicidal thoughts and that is just what I did. I got intentional about my recovery and I didn't care how long it took because I wanted to be healed, but not just healed I wanted to be healed within so that meant digging up the root and going back to those dark places and bringing them to remembrance and talking about them and finally Letting Go and this was a very hard process.

One of the first things that I did was admit that I needed help from someone that was licensed, trained and skilled to assist me with this process so I made an appointment with my primary care doctor and that is when I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression. I honestly thought that she was going to just write me a prescription for some depression or anxiety medicine, but instead she referred me to a therapist and that was the best thing that she could have ever done for me. I went to my therapist for about 12 weeks or so and slowly my life started to change. I started reading more I would get out of the house I started exercising I was more involved with life events and self-care. I developed a strategic prayer life my mindset did a total 360 times 10. It wasn't long before everything that was within me that had such a stronghold on my mind was released, and removed permanently.

I owned it, worked through it, and I Let it Go and I am so happy that I did. Finally, all of the bottled up hurt that had me tangled up for many years had been lifted. Going to therapy, being a better Christian, developing a strategic prayer life and even a closer relationship with God was just the help that I needed I started reading my bible more and journaling my thoughts. With God, therapy and the Bible I Let it all Go and so can you. Make up your mind start the process and do the work Yes, it is going to very hard, hurtful, difficult, and painful but who cares because your life depends on it do the work and Let it Go,

The Process

Why do people always reject you? why do you feel rejected? Are you the reason why you are constantly being rejected? No matter the individual rather it's a family member, friend, co-worker, or spouse, rejection cuts deeply and some of us still have memories of rejection regardless of the source. I have had many experiences dealing with rejection. The first rejection that I experienced was from my father yes, the little girl with daddy issues. My father was not a part of my childhood and I was missing that very crucial loving piece of my life and I had many downfalls because of that missing piece.

I made some very poor choices when it came to relationships. I always felt like I had to work extra hard because I always felt like I had something to prove and nothing was never good enough. I was always afraid literally terrified of being rejected and that was only the beginning of my many problems. Being rejected is a wound that sometimes never heals. Overcoming rejection as they say is a wound that heals slowly or not at all. It's so easy for people to say just get over it or either you should just let that go "well easier said than done ".

There are some parts of rejection that requires you to talk to a therapist, social worker, church official, or mentor. Whichever you prefer just seek the help and assistant that you need to overcome your healing. When you start the process of seeking support let your healing be your number one priority. If it was so easy to overcome rejection you would not need therapy, it's not always the rejection itself sometime the person that rejected you is what hurts the most.

Dealing with rejection, accepting rejection and trying to figure out why can get very messy and emotional. Rejection alone makes you feel like giving up and going in the corner somewhere and crying your eyes out. Rejection is painful and undeniable hurtful and even more hurtful when you really don’t understand why and believe me sometime you will never know or understand why.

I experienced rejection at a very early age from a loved one that should have been there for me mentally, physically, emotionally and just for my well-being and safety and to teach me certain things about being a young girl and developing into a young lady or least that is what I thought and I was wrong. , Absolutely nothing was sweet and pretty about my situation. Being rejected as a young child is one thing, but growing up into a young lady, mother, wife, divorcee I started to notice a pattern within myself and again within myself and relationships, however I didn’t know why. I had no idea what the problem was. Why was I attracting the same type of people why was I always feeling and believing less than I deserved? I accepted certain behaviors, why did I think it was ok to live in an abusive relationship? That was only the beginning of my problems.

I was clueless about rejection, abandonment, low self-esteem, issues and the trauma that it can cause mentally and internally. My since of acceptance allowed me to continually accept certain abusive behaviors and it had gotten to be normal and comfortable to me. I didn’t understand it but I was living with the pain and abuse for years. I had emotionally and mentally clocked out literally and at the point of no return within myself.

After years of settling and accepting certain behaviors I slowly started to look at things differently including myself, and I started to question certain things, and I wanted answers, because I wanted to be healed.

I decided to make myself a priority and figure out myself and what was going on with me. I finally decided to go to therapy, because nothing was working for me, and I needed to talk to somebody about me and my problems.

I started going to therapy and she was such a blessing and she helped me tremendously. I was able to understand the reason why I accepted a lot of behavior. I was broken and very vulnerable. I accepted and tolerated all types of mistreatment, disrespect, abuse, and inappropriate behavior, because of the abandonment and rejection that I had previously suffered from and it had affected my adulthood.

I felt better I knew why and I was released from therapy and I started to heal and recover, at least that is what I thought. I was being very careful but careful wasn’t enough simply because I went to therapy. I still hadn’t got to the nasty core and root of the problem which was rejection and abandonment issues that led me to being clinically depressed and codependent now with all that I was pretty flawed on the inside and I didn’t want to be and I had to fix it and I didn’t know where to start, so here we go again another trip down memory lane which at the end of the day really blessed my soul because everything now made all of the sense in the world and I wasn’t messed up after all. Getting healed and going through and growing through the dark stages of your life are life changing and that is exactly what I did.